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Understanding Your Team's Language

Seven years into my marriage, my wife and I realized we were having problems forming apologies to each other. I apologized to her the way I wanted her to apologize to me… “I’m sorry. I’m going to take XYZ steps to ensure it doesn’t happen again.”

But she wanted something different. She wanted me to own it, by recognizing the hurt I caused her. Until we read The Five Languages of Apology, we didn’t know we were apologizing to each other in what basically, foreign languages.

It was important for us and our marriage, to learn each other’s language – and I’ve learned that it’s important in my work-life, too.

Typically when you interact with people, it’s wise to follow the Golden Rule: “Do unto others as you wish done unto you.”

I’ve memorized it. I’ve had my kids memorize it. But in a work setting, the wisdom of the Golden Rule doesn’t hold up that well in all circumstances. It’s not always wise to manage others the same way you would want to be managed.

Often while at work, we encourage, correct, and lead in ways we wish to receive those same things. But each employee has different needs. The “Golden Rule breaking” idea comes from the book First, Break All the Rules. Authors Marcus Buckingham and Curt Coffman explain this idea and call it “managing by exception.”

Managing by exception is hard work. It takes study and a lot of relational intelligence (read past post on emotional and relational intelligence). Our church uses a personality and spiritual gifts assessment called PLACE to help better understand people’s personalities and give their supervisors tips how to lead them. Because this idea is so important, I also personally use StrengthsFinder, Stand Out and The Five Languages of Appreciation in the Workplace to better understand how people I work directly with like to receive communication, correction, and appreciation.

If it seems overwhelming to learn the “languages” of those who work directly with you, start small:

Ask them their favorite way to learn.
Ask if they prefer to talk things through in person or through email.
Ask if they like public recognition or something less “public.”
Determine if they like to make decisions alone or collaboratively.

As a leader, we have to communicate effectively to those we supervise. Effective communication will sound different to each person. When you can, contextualize to the individual.

Practical takeaway: at times, you’ll need to break the Golden Rule.

6 posts with "practical takeaways" for church leaders

I’ve now been blogging for six months. While I hope most of my posts provide “practical takeaways for church leaders,” some are more conducive to action than others. I’ve also learned from readers what posts have allowed for immediate application in church leadership.

In no particular order here are six posts with practical takeaways:

Church Crisis and The Media http://bbapt.us/1k5XI9K
Staff Succession Planning (interview with Josh Patterson of The Village Church) http://bbapt.us/1dqJa2P
How to Visit Churches to Worship and Not Compare http://bbapt.us/Hy3SDf
Meetings: Being Prepared But Saying The Least http://bbapt.us/1cJyAUV
Effectively Encouraging Those Around You http://bbapt.us/1c6kZ9r
Dealing With Employees Who Are Late to Work and Meetings http://bbapt.us/19BR5fV

Spiritual Journey: Stolen.

I was crushed. As I drove east on Interstate 40 towards our new home in Nashville, I frantically called all the important numbers I could think of, while trying to hear over the flapping of plastic that covered our recently broken window.

A new ministry job had our family moving from Texas to Tennessee. En route, we stopped for a night in Memphis. Our housing wasn’t available until the next day, and the kids had never experienced the indoor hotel swimming pool (“Dad of the Year” Award went to me). After breakfast and a morning swim, I began moving suitcases from the hotel room back into the car to continue our new Tennessee adventure.

As I neared the car, I stepped on glass.

A thief had broken into it. The moment that thought registered, I felt instant frustration. Anger.

Then the anger led to confusion. I’d unpacked almost everything from the car the night before, so what could they have stolen? What was missing? Even when I met with the police I couldn’t remember what was in the car that might’ve been taken.

But between Memphis and Nashville, it hit me–I’d left one bag in the car overnight. It contained a Ziploc bag, which held all the contents I’d taken from my bank’s safe deposit box– passports, birth certificates, SS cards, and even my wife’s most important jewelry was in the bag.

Most of those things were replaceable. Bu it was the next few items I remembered, that caused me to literally become sick.

Journals, my personal journals. One recorded how God had been dealing with me the last two years, including the very important last six months as God called me from one church to the other.

But there were also other journals in the bag–gone. And those were the ones that caused me to grieve.

For each of my children, I’d started a journal. From the day of their first sonogram, I’d been writing in a journal that was just for them. I planned to give it to them when they moved from my home as adults. Their journals were about them, my faith in God, my hope of their faith in God, their awesome mom, and other “dad needs you to know” stuff.

I could never replace that content. It was worth a lot more to me that anything else stolen from my car. The moment I realized the journals were gone, I was disheartened.

But I chose to journal again for my kids.

With the outset of a new journaling venture, I chose a new plan–a simpler plan for me to start from scratch. I purchased a nice, large leather journal, and its contents were for all four of my kids, one journal to be shared amongst them.

My entries are typically universal. I record what God is teaching me that I want them to know when they’re older. I brag on their mom and the daily sacrifices she makes for them. I write about the importance of manners, and of reading Scripture. I record significant moments in each of their lives, that each of their siblings will be able to celebrate with them as they read about it.

When my oldest child moves from my home, I plan for the journal to go on loan. It will be theirs to keep and read through until their next youngest sibling leaves home. Then they will pass it along. (I realize the journal could forever be lost in a college dorm room, but I’ve dealt with that loss before.)

For me, it’s a part of legacy-leaving. I’ve blogged before on how journaling serves me, how God has used it in my life. Now, I hope the discipline of journaling will allow my kids to remember some very important things (plus some funny things) about their lives and about the lives I believe God has for them.

Consider a journal for your children. You have a lot to say, and it can be a lasting legacy for your family.

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