Posted in Leadership

Avoiding Amygdala Hijacks That Derail Your Ministry

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“You’re an idiot. I think I’ll quit and see how you manage without me! You pastors have no idea what it’s like to do day-to-day ministry and not just preach on Sundays! And while I’m at it, none of the staff likes you or your wife!”

That kind of comment is what the brain’s amygdala is supposed to keep you from saying. The amygdala is the brain’s veto center.

In Daniel Goleman’s book Primal Leadership, one specific concept really struck a chord with me… the amygdala highjack. It’s when our brain’s veto center doesn’t act in time. We respond quickly, crudely, and in anger. This often leads to the feeling of instant regret. It can also lead to the loss of a job or relationship.

A Christian and specifically a leader of Christians can’t afford too many hijacks. One poorly timed amygdala hijack can undo a lifetime of service.

Our primary defense to the highjack is the Holy Spirit’s control. An additional combatant is development of our emotional intelligence. I’ll never have a high IQ, but my emotional quotient (EQ or EI) has increased over time. It’s still way below emotional genius, but with the Spirit’s help and some intentional practice, it’s improved.

How high is your EQ? How high would your staff say your EQ is?

If you can learn the discipline of emotional intelligence, you can avoid most amygdala highjacks. And avoiding hijacks exponentially increases your chances of keeping your current job and relationships. Emotional intelligence also allows you to better connect relationally with others.

Developing the fruit listed in Galatians 5 (love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness, and self-control) will lead to Christ-likeness and high emotional intelligence.

Your EI needs to be high enough so your first reaction stressful situation is not a high-jacked stress reaction.

No matter your vocation, each day we’re faced with situations that can lead to an amygdala hijack. Whether or not you allow for these situations to be high-jacked is a matter of Spiritual and pragmatic discipline.

Practical takeaways:

Begin assessing the Fruit of the Spirit in your life. Celebrate what God has developed in you, and work on areas that are lacking.
Read Goleman’s book.
Get feedback from others about your EQ, and what they’ve noticed are triggers for your hijack occurrences.

These sound like good 2014 self-development goals.

Consensus Or Input — Clarity For Your Meetings

When inviting feedback from a group, are you seeking consensus or just input?

Photo courtesy of iStockphoto®

Knowing what you want, and communicating that expectation to the group, is an important task for a leader to do well.

Many leaders invite dialogue from a group of people, as if they’re looking for consensus among the group for a decision. But in reality, the leader only wants their input, not their consensus. This is often done unintentionally but it can be a fatal leadership mistake.

The group hears a leader say, “I want unanimity amongst all of you.” But then the leader leaves the group, goes back to his/her office, considers their opinions, and declares a decision on his or her own.

Seeking feedback and input in order to reach a decision point is perfectly fine, but only if the people from whom you sought feedback know what role their feedback is going to have.

A leader must be clear about what they desire from the groups they’re dialoguing with.

Consider one of these opening comments at your next group-think sessions:

“I need to reach a decision. I’ll ultimately make the final call, but your input would help me formulate my decision. Will you provide me feedback?”

“I value and trust your opinions, and I want your help in reaching a decision. Whatever the consensus of this group is when we leave is the action I’ll take.”

I think either statement is appropriate for a leader to make, but let the group know their role in the decision making process.

Another serious leadership gaff is to provide a group the opportunity to give feedback for a decision you’ve already made. At best, it’s poor relational intelligence. At worst, it’s lying.

If you’re going to make a decision unilaterally, that’s fine, but own up to it.

Practical Takeaways for everyday church leadership:

When seeking input, be transparent with your intentions.
Don’t ask for input if you’re not going to use it or at least consider it.
If you’re making your decisions Lone Ranger style, own up to it.

Being Prepared, But Saying The Least — Meetings

Recently I attended a meeting with our church’s leadership, and as I drove home from it, two thoughts kept bothering me: I wasn’t prepared enough for the meeting, and I said too much in it.

The following week, I set up an appointment with an advisor for input on my meeting contribution. (The role of the advisor is captured well by Michael Hyatt in his post “Who Are Your ‘Trusted Advisors’?”.)

This advisor had heard me present in several meeting environments (including the most recent one), and had watched me interact with church staff and members. He recommended several points of improvement for me, but the one that was most impactful was this:

Be the most prepared guy (gal) at the meeting, with a plan to say the least.

We’ve all been in meetings with people who weren’t prepared to speak authoritatively on a subject, but did it anyway. They spouted content without substance. And even if spouting is done well, waxing eloquently doesn’t equate meaningful content.

We’ve also been in meetings with well-prepared people, who because they were so prepared, subsequently chose to take over a meeting with incessant talk. Again, filibustering doesn’t equate to quality content provider.

What’s the best mix of preparation and spoken contribution in a meeting?

Specifically, what’s the best plan of action when you’re a participant in the meeting, but not facilitating it?

On Being Prepared… a few reminders, for prior to the meeting

Have I gathered all my facts?
What questions can I anticipate on this agenda topic?
Have I searched my paper files and e-mail for all correspondence which may be relative to the meeting topic?
Have I studied enough that I have key information and metrics in my head?

On Saying Little… a few reminders, for during the meeting

Only speak to a topic after you’ve answered this question to yourself:

Am I speaking to bring value to the conversation, or for some other less worthy reason?

Resist the urge to control the output or concerns of others.
Listen reflectively.
Don’t formulate rebuttal comments while others are speaking.

I’ve by no means got all this down. After most meetings I lead or participate in, I feel there’s ways I can improve.

Wouldn’t it be nice if people said about this about us after they left a meeting…

“They don’t talk a lot, but when they do, they bring a lot of value”?

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