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Empathy: A Specific Kind Needed For Leadership

Emapthy

Photo courtesy of iStockphoto®

It’s one thing for a leader to understand another’s feelings (emotional empathy), but a leader who can also sense what others need from them, well, that’s effective leadership and ministry.

In last week’s blog, I wrote about the helpful information regarding the mental side of leadership curated from Daniel’s Goleman’s article for the Harvard Business Review, The Focused Leader.

His article unpacked three kinds of empathy needed to be a good leader. You’ll be familiar with at least one or two kinds of empathy, but the third, at least by name, may be unfamiliar.

This “empathy triad” Goleman presents shows how leaders can provide three distinct kinds of empathy:

Cognitive empathy– the ability to understand another person’s perspective;

Emotional empathy—the ability to feel what someone else feels;

And finally, the one I want to focus on–

Empathetic concern—the ability to sense what another person needs from you.

A good leader will not only discern how people feel, but also discern what a person needs from you. Goleman suggests this is the kind of empathy we want in our doctors, spouse, and yes, our boss.

Most people appreciate when a boss or leader asks: “how can I help you?” or “what do you need from me to be successful?”

Wouldn’t it be great if your boss already knew what you needed because they were in tune with your concern, thus, empathetic concern?

Think of someone you lead. The last time they came to you with a problem to be solved, were you aware of what they needed? While listening, were you able to discern they needed an idea? An answer? Collaboration? Reassurance? A firm directive?

It’s not only about knowing their preferred language, but about what’s happening in their life that might influence their need-factor. Their life’s extenuating circumstances may heavily influence the reasons they’re before you and what they’re actually wanting/needing from you.

A leader who shows ability within the empathy triad will be a trusted leader. A leader people want to follow.

Developing Empathetic Concern requires a leader to:

  • Listen well (to people in varying areas in the organization or church);
  • Seek information;
  • Be emotionally intelligent;
  • And to care about others.

It takes time to develop this skill. But here’s one practical takeaway for everyday church leadership, you can put into action the next time you sit across the table form someone who’s sharing frustration –

Not only listen well and try to feel what they’re feeling (emotional empathy), but ask yourself, “What am I sensing this person might need from me”.

 

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Leadership and Art — A resource

Throughout my life, there’ve been many people who have positively influenced my work in the local church. My dad was the first (serving as pastor), and I’ve continued to be around great people all my life who have served as supervisors and mentors. The last two years I’ve been influenced by Jim Baker (@SacredStructures).

Jim was serving at Brentwood Baptist as Executive Pastor when I first became connected with them. The context of my first interaction with Jim was this discussion: the idea that I might come and serve alongside him at the church. In that first conversation, he began to teach me.

For almost two years, I’ve had a front-row seat to witness his excellent leadership. Selfishly, I’ve enjoyed being the primary focus of his development.  But now I’m going to have to share him. Jim and his wife (Lisa) are beginning a new adventure, where they can enjoy some of retirement’s benefits while devoting more time to things they love… art, and the development of others.

Lisa will continue her ministry as a spiritual coach (The Sacred Within), and Jim has begun a ministry called ‘Sacred Structures’. (One element of Jim’s ministry is his art… and not just any art. Trust me – you should see what he can do with biblical metaphors.)

With the launch of ‘Sacred Structures’, Jim now will have the ability to influence even more churches through consulting. Like Jim himself, his website hosts a vast array of resources. If you serve a church and want to improve as a spiritual leader, I suggest at a minimum that you check out his website.

I’ve benefited greatly from Jim’s influence, and I hope he can have a similar influence on you.

Jim’s website: Sacred Structures, Organizational Tools and Resources for Minister and the Churches they serve.

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Abdicating Responsibility Is Not A Leadership Luxury

If you’re a leader, at some point you’ve probably shared ownership of your team’s successes. But being a good leader sometimes requires you to own their mistakes, too.

It’s this idea of owning it. All of it. It’s personal responsibility, and it’s also a responsibility toward those you lead.

A staff that has the value of “owning it” doesn’t pass along criticism. It doesn’t point the finger or say “that’s not my responsibility”.

 

Owning It is part 3 of 4 on staff values. Click on the values Information Sharing and Saying the Last 2% to read.

 

Like most people, I don’t like dealing with any customer service person (restaurant server, home improvement guy, or the help center phone agent at your preferred cellular company) who says something like this when you’re trying to get help:

“Well, that’s actually not my area, it’s their area…”

They point the finger, assign blame, or do whatever it takes to push responsibility elsewhere. They abdicate responsibility.

Minsters aren’t traditionally considered customer service representatives, but many times we function in that role. And I’m pretty sure church-goers don’t like it when their ministers avoid responsibility.

It happened to me this past Sunday. I was walking through our church’s atrium at 8 a.m., and one of our volunteer greeters at the welcome desk waved me over. She said, “I know it’s not your area, but I don’t know who to tell… We’ve had ants at the welcome desk for a couple weeks. I told a facilities person about it, but the ants are still here.”

I had several options at that point. I could:

A. Tell her where I’m at on our org chart, and let her know I’m not the ant guy;

B. Feign an allergic reaction to ants;

C. Provide her the email address of the senior leader who oversees the hospitality team, and ask her to report it through the correct department;

D. Tell her to look for the facility guys with the blue shirt and radios, and ask them for help;

E. Say “I’m sorry it didn’t get taken care of”, and personally commit to getting it solved.

Most readers would answer D or E. But you’re wording in E is key. We have to take personal ownership, which means saying “I’m sorry” instead of “I’m sorry someone else didn’t help you.” The volunteer that approached me last Sunday didn’t care about my title or the details of my job description. All she knew was I’m paid to serve the church. She was right.

Now, I didn’t spend my entire day Monday scouring the church for ants. But in this case, I did email facilities about the issue, asked them to address it, and update me when it was complete. (Owning it includes follow-up, too.)

Leaders and staff who own it:

  • Don’t look for others to blame. (Another way to say it is, “Don’t throw others under the bus”.)
  • Do take responsibility for issues publicly, and then privately deal with the need      and determine who can handle it best.
  • Don’t view themselves as above certain tasks – it’s an “everyone serves” mentality.”

The restaurants and stores I frequent faithfully are full of employees who own it.

I bet the same could be said for a lot of church attendees, too.

I first became aware of this phrase, “Owning It” as a part of a leadership talk based on the book The Oz Principle.

 

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