Brian Dodridge

When A Leader Should Confront

Photo courtesy of iStockphoto®

One of the most important decisions a leader makes is when to confront someone they lead.

Confrontation is not a bad word. From its Latin origin, it means to turn your face towards. (What is bad is to say confrontational things, in the form of an email or to a third person when you’re not “facing them.) Confronting is an inevitable part of leadership. It’s part of keeping your church on mission. It’s part of developing others.

I’ve written previously on “saying the last 2%” once you’re in a confrontational or developmental conversation. But regardless of whether you’re saying 98% or the last 2%, you first need to determine if you should say anything at all. In other words, is the issue even confront-worthy?

So before you send that email to schedule a meeting, or catch someone in the hallway and ask them to step in your office…

Count the Cost

Ken Sande, author of The Peace Maker reminds us…

“We need to make a conscious effort to count the costs of a conflict at the outset of a dispute and compare them to the benefits of quickly settling the matter (via over-looking).”

Proverbs 19:11 tells us that “it’s to one’s glory to overlook an offense.”

You need to perform a cost/benefit analysis. Here are some questions you can ask yourself, to determine if an issue is worth confronting:

Does this issue, unchecked, have the ability to cause harm to others or the church?
Will this issue get really annoying to you or others if repeated or perpetuated?
Is it sinful or anti-staff values?
Do you have a specific issue to address, or do you have a general dislike of this person or their attitude?
Was this a one-time offense, or is it likely to happen again?

These questions will help uncover your motives and ensure that your issue is in fact, an issue, and not simply a temporary annoyance.

Another way to ensure better confrontation is to think gray. That is, give the issue some space before setting up the confrontation. While I loathe the leadership methodology that waits for the annual review to unload all of someone’s short comings, waiting one to three days will help focus the confrontation.

One other thing that Ken Sande suggests:

“Ask the humanizing question. The humanizing question looks at an infraction and uses not only a situational view of the person who committed infraction, but also a dispositional view. When we feel we are wronged, we often ask, ‘What’s the matter with that person?’ instead of, ‘Why would a reasonable, rational, and decent person do that?’

Practical takeaways for everyday church leadership:

Before rushing to confront, count the cost
Perform a cost/benefit analysis
Pray for wisdom
Ask the humanizing question

Ministers and Image Management

How important is it to be perceived well by church members even it means you’re slightly inauthentic? Can you try to impress others and not sin? Are you simply creating a personal brand?

I’ve written before about how managing your image with ministry peers and how it leads to church leader jealousy syndrome, but today I’m focused on the image management that occurs for the perception of church members.

Are you guilty of any of these?

You use social media to announce how much work you’re completing (ironic, I know)
When you leave the office you pack up half your office so everyone seeing you leave assumes, you must work from home
On Sundays, you leave your tithe envelope hanging out of your pocket so everyone sees
You use any opportunity available to discuss the depth of your relationship with Jesus
You use big words and slightly fabricated stories to impress your church’s key influencers

Mindful of Image vs. Management of Image

I first became aware of the term “image management” in John Ortberg’s book Everyone’s Normal Until You Get to Know Them.” Ortberg says this about himself and image management:

“There are many situations in which I find myself being more measured or calculating than I wish I were; situations where I work as hard—and subtly—as I can to try to manage what the other person is thinking of me; situations in which I emphasize opinions I think they might agree with, or tell stories that make me sound smarter or stronger or more successful than I really am.”

As is true with being a human and Christian, it’s important to be mindful of your image. However, a slippery, and probably sinful slope, is managing your image. Here are some distinctions for ministers:

Ministers Mindful of their image…

Work hard, and are noticed through their output
Dress/present themselves in a way that’s appropriate for the environment they’re ministering in
Doesn’t share every opinion that crosses their frontal lobe (amygdala hijack). Yet, they say what needs to be said, even if it doesn’t win them friends
Spends time with important leaders, but focuses provides ministry to all who require it

Ministers who are managing their image…

Work hard, but are noticed through their own self-promotion
Dress with the intent of impressing others
Never says the hard things because they’re afraid of people not liking them
Focuses their conversations and ministry to those in the church who are important and/or can provide something in return

Like most professions, I believe there can be an appropriate and righteous amount of image management for ministers (what I’m referring to as being “mindful of your image”). Consistent management of your image up can be very inauthentic and sinful. And at some point, if you are faking who you are–it will be found out by those you’re minister to. If you’re allowing church members to define your image, it’ll never work out. That job is taken, and provided to us already through Christ and the Bible.

I’m guilty of image management. It’s a daily effort to stay away from this sin. Despite my prescriptive suggestions in this post, what I’ve found most helpful is to simply remind myself whose image I’m created in.

Practical takeaway: Ask a friend, whom you can trust to tell you the truth, to say whether or not you appear to be managing your image among church members rather than simply being mindful of it.

My Top Five Blog Posts for Readers

I’ve now been blogging a year. Below are the posts that received the most views, or based on feedback from readers, were the most helpful in providing practical takeaways for everyday church leadership.

Thanks for being a reader.

The hardest thing a leader has to say—the last 2%

Succession planning for pastors (an interview with the Village Church)

Coping with church leader jealously syndrome

How to present a compelling budget

Hiring ministers and avoiding nepotism