Posted in Leadership

Honoring the Absent &Naming the Elephant

If a leader is unwilling to name the elephant in the room, yet is willing to name other people and their issues when they’re not in the room, he’s going to have trust issues… and likely dysfunction as well.

At our church’s recent staff retreat, we heard from Dr. Bill Wilson, director for The Center for Healthy Churches, regarding the issue of trust amongst staff.

Many insightful things were shared, but two ideas resonated with me. Wilson reminded me that when these issues aren’t handled correctly, they not only diminish trust among your staff over time, but they also have potential to elicit an immediate distrustful attitude towards you as a leader.

Naming the Elephant

When you ignore the issues everyone is thinking about, you’re unwilling to name the elephant. And an unnamed elephant grows bigger and bigger. Many other better writers and thinkers have already dealt with the idea of the elephant in the room, so I will just say this… I’ve never so clearly seen the connection between an unnamed elephant and trust.

When you don’t name the elephant and deal with it, it tells others you don’t have guts. That you’ll acquiesce on the harder things… that you’ll push them to the shadows, and hope no one notices. (I’ve written previously on the leader’s responsibility to investigate [elephant] issues.) Ignoring the elephant leads to a lack of trust with small and elephant-sized issues.

Honoring the Absent

Dishonoring the absent has many different forms, but the most common is gossip.

In one of the first talks I prepared in college, I remember telling a group of students that I perceived gossip to be the most common sin amongst Christians. I’m not sure I’d argue that so vehemently today, but as far as public sins of Christians go, it’s likely in the top three.

Like mine, your role likely requires you to discuss people when they’re not in the room. That isn’t necessarily wrong. But at times, our leadership discussions quickly turn to gossip. We’re saying things about people we know we wouldn’t say if they were in the room – and what’s worse, we’re saying them to people who shouldn’t be in the room to hear them.

You must be judicious with your words. At all costs, build others up, especially when they’re not in the room.

There’s way too much clarity in the Bible regarding gossip to argue for its justification. Yet we’ve fallen victim to lowering Biblical standards in this area. It’s a slow descent that can quickly impact how we honor our co-workers, and church members.

Ego In Ministry

“Son, your ego is writing checks your body can’t cash.”

This quote was a part of dressing down of Tom Cruise’s character, Maverick, in Top Gun. He saved someone’s life, albeit, while jeopardizing himself, others and a “thirty million dollar aircraft.”

As church leaders, do we also need to be reminded of this? Jesus apparently seemed to think so, when He said, “Apart from me, you can do nothing.” Our ego doesn’t like to hear this… especially if we have a maverick mentality.

The first time I watched Top Gun (the first of fifty-plus views) I was thirteen and was at Ray Runyon’s house. Ray’s mom let him watch PG-13 movies, and mine didn’t. I remember lots of things about my first viewing of the movie, and it ultimately became my favorite. I wanted to be Maverick. But the only things Maverick and I had in common were our small stature (and our ability to act cocky while trying to spin a volleyball on one finger and spike it, despite only being five-foot-nothing).

The maverick mentality has some unfortunate consequences though, especially when paired with a sin nature. I experienced this recently. My ego wrote a check I couldn’t cash.

I woke up one morning into what I thought would be a light day… no critical meetings, no crucial conversations anticipated. My ego said, I can do this on my own. I wasn’t teaching, so I chose to skip my quiet window of opportunity before my four kids woke up, and didn’t spend time with God. My ego said, I don’t need dedicated time with God to complete my day. But two hours into my work day, I found myself in a critical meeting, having crucial confrontations, both of which had spiritual implications.

My (spiritual) body wasn’t prepared.

By God’s grace, the Bible’s application doesn’t expire after 24 hours of reading it. God allows you to come to Him any time, not just during a morning “quiet time.” His spirit allows you to call upon a reservoir of God-moments in your life, for immediate sustenance in times of need.

But that doesn’t change the fact that at my desk that day, when I had to react in a way that honored God and others, I wasn’t ready. I hadn’t connected with God.

I had considered my day and felt I could do it on my own.

Anytime we think we can do things on our own, we’re jeopardizing things. Specifically, our ministry. Your role as a church leader requires you to be dependent on God. There’s no room for a maverick mentality.

Here are some things your ego might say:

I don’t need accountability for my online activity.
The church’s growth is primarily due to my leadership.
I know that scripture passage, I don’t really need to study the text that much to teach it.
I’ve done lots of funerals, I don’t need extra time in prayer for this one.
I deserve that opportunity.

You know who agrees with these egotistical statements? Your sinful nature.

For reasons I don’t understand, God has provided the church as the hope of the world. And if you’re like me, you also don’t understand why He’s given you the privilege of leading in His church. But He has.

Trying to lead His church, independently of Him is not a good idea. As Iceman would say, that’s “dangerous”. Don’t be caught writing checks you can’t cash. Don’t waste time thinking you’re maverick, when you should be seeking to become more like Christ.

The Dangers in Changing Staff Positions

In meetings, the chair may only be 2-3 feet away. From your seat, their chair looks very similar to your chair. Their chair is in the same meeting as your chair. So, why can’t you sit in their chair?

Just because it’s close to yours or looks fairly comfortable, it’s not the same chair.

When you move chairs, you find out a lot.

You find out the person sitting in that chair didn’t share everything with you about their chair. You’ll find out there’s a lot more going on in their chair than you realized.

We desire their chair. We desire the bigger title. We desire their leadership authority. We desire a larger pay check. But moving chairs is difficult. And in a church, so difficult, you shouldn’t do it unless your confident God wants you in that chair.

My anecdotal and experiential guess is that even when you’re close to a situation, and have a good working knowledge of another’s position (chair), you at best, understand about 80% of what’s going on in their position. And that other 20% is the really hard stuff.

(This is why I rarely judge others leaders. Whether it is the U.S. President, the NFL Commissioner, or nationally known pastors, I’ve led just enough to know I don’t have a clue about the realities of their jobs and therefore can’t comment as I do understand.)

Often, when we’re not in the other person’s chair, we desire it. And we want it so bad, we’re willing to judge the actions they’re performing from that chair. “If I were in that chair, I would…”

The physical difference of chairs could be minimal, but the unseen responsibility and work in that chair can be overwhelming.

Practical takeaways:

Don’t covet another person’s leadership chair unless you’re willing to invest and deal with the junk that comes with the chair.
Give you pastor a break. You don’t know what’s going on in his chair that impacts his pastoring.
Pastors, give your staff a break. Your view from the top of the org chart is a long way from reality. Don’t judge to harshly. Just because you did that job 20 years ago doesn’t make you an expert on their or the chair’s current situation.
Don’t be consumed with chair switching. It’s serious business. Serious enough to pray about it a lot and be patience until God chooses to move your chair (if ever).
Be content. A chair move is not always right. God has gifted you for several things, and you may not be able to freely use those things in a different chair.

It’s dangerous to assume you can do another’s job based solely on your seat’s limited perspective.

Get comfortable in your chair. Don’t judge the work from another’s chair. And when God is ready to have you move chairs, move. But move humbly.

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