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Dealing with church members who don’t like you

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As a leader in the church, there will be times people don’t like you. Hopefully it’s that they don’t like decisions you made, rather than just not liking you – but I’ve experienced both. Have you?

If so, you might have dealt with some of these questions: What should my response be? How should a church leader react? Is it my responsibility to remedy this dislike? How’d it happen? It could be you didn’t provide enough benevolence, or you removed someone from leadership they cared for. Maybe you didn’t allow an exception to the wedding policies the church has – or perhaps your sermon was a little too convicting for them. Or possibly – the worst of all – you changed the bulletin format.

I once heard a pastor  say, “If you don’t like the decision I’ve made or me, feel free to remove my picture from your wallet.” He might say now, “Remove me from your ‘favorites’ on your phone.”

You can’t fully control church members dislike of you or your decisions. Sometimes, being disliked is a part of leadership. But when you’re aware a church member you serve doesn’t like you or your leadership, I believe we have some responsibility to address it.

5 tips for dealing with dis-likers:

  1. Provide them an opportunity to hear an explanation of your decision or yourself.

They may not want to talk to you, but extend the offer. It’s a simple email saying you’d like to provide further clarification/context on why a decision was made. People and decisions are much easier to dislike from a distance. Often a face-to-face conversation can make issues dissipate.

  1. Don’t enable their anger or separation from you.

Don’t avoid them. When you see them in the church hallways, speak to them. Go above and beyond to be generously kind. This shows them you’ve moved on, and many times, they’ll move on too.

  1. Apologize for any part you had in contributing to the (disliked) issue.

Don’t make up an apology, or qualify the one you give. But if you did anything which contributed to the negative impact on them, go ahead and apologize for that part of it. Don’t overstate it, but simply acknowledge fault. If there’s nothing you need to apologize for, you can still take the opportunity to empathize, and tell them you’re sorry they were hurt by the matter.

  1. Minister to them, no matter what.

Someone in a former church who figuratively had “taken my picture from their wallet” had a death in their family. As a minister, I did what is required, which was to go to the family and extend care. Knowing they weren’t happy with me, I thought it might be awkward when I arrived at their house. To their credit though, whatever negative feelings they might have had for me before, dissipated. The only thing that mattered was our church grieving with them. While we never fully resolved their issue with me, our relationship was restored.

  1. Avoid the martyr syndrome.

Sometimes it makes you feel better to let friends or co-workers know how hard it is to be you—how your leadership role makes people not like you. It may feel good to express this, but it’s not healthy. Keep the information about the situations to yourself, or disclose it only to those with legitimate reasons for knowing it.

 

Some of us are more prone to people-pleasing than others, but I don’t think anyone enjoys being disliked – especially by fellow Christians you serve. In my role, some days I feel I’m just trying to disappoint people at a rate they can handle… and disappointing others can often lead to being disliked. (I often joke that my rough-patch with girls in junior high prepared me for this part of my job.)

You’re going to be disliked for things, even those you’ve done correctly. As a leader, you’ll need to embrace the idea that you can’t please everyone. But I’d suggest you should also embrace a method of engaging and addressing the dislike, rather than allowing it to fester.

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A Better Question In a Performance Review

 

Do you want to know how your team really feels about their job? Your church? Or perhaps even how they feel about you as a supervisor?

Knowing how your team “really” feels is critical to for your supervision, their development, and the success of your team (church).

If you want to know the right answers, you have to ask the right questions. Even in a good performance management system, the important questions can get lost among all the other small ones.  How your team members really feel is what I’ll refer to as the last 2% (that term is not unique to me and I’ve blogged previously on the “last 2%” concept). The last 2% is what you want to make sure you communicate (or have communicated to you) in your staff reviews.

I’ve found one question gets me the most helpful and transparent information from those I lead. It’s simple, has two-parts, and has begun some very informative conversations in review meetings I’ve had with staff (sometimes in writing, other times verbally):

  • What is it I’m doing as your supervisor that’s helping you complete the goals we’ve set for you and in your day-to-day job activities?
  • What is it I’m doing as your supervisor that’s hindering you from reaching all your goals and can get in the way of you doing day-to-day job activities?

3 Rules of Engagement when asking this question:

  1. Listen to their feedback. Don’t defend.
  2. Ask clarifying questions.

In any scenario where you’re trying to elicit a response, frame your questions in such way that assumes the person has feedback. It’s the difference between:

“What feedback do you have for me?” and, “Do you have any feedback for me?”

If you assume there‘s feedback, you’re more likely to get feedback.

  1. Be trustworthy.

Even if you ask the right question and they provide you honest (last 2%) feedback, it’s only good for one try – unless you listen to their feedback and affect change based on it (or at least explain why you may not). You can’t hold their input over them (especially if it’s negative).

If you listen and don’t punish people for their feedback, they’ll be more likely to give it to you in the future.

I encourage you to try this out at your next review meeting. I believe you’ll be a better supervisor because of it.

P.S. I believe the two-part question fits nicely into a performance management system with formal reviews, but it can still work in informal settings with those you lead.

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Encourage Teams (without it being forced)

©Sunny studio/ Dollar Photo Club

Do those you lead have to scream, “Hey! Look at me!”? Do they have to vie for your attention?

Are you taking time to watch your staff? Your church’s volunteers? Are you visiting their spaces of influence to watch their work, teaching, and leadership?

For me, Summer time means trips to the neighborhood pool with my four kids. While I’m there, I hear this a lot: “Daddy! Watch me!” I could write about my failures as a parent and why my kids feel the need to shout my name for my attention, but in this particular blog I’m going to focus on team leadership and you.

If you’re doing the work required of a leader, you have a lot going on. You have your own work and are accountable to someone for that work. So how do you handle your own work and also create time to be around and watch the people you lead?

How can you intentionally create “Watch me!” moments for your team, without them having to shout at you?

If you want to be the kind of leader who gives attention to your staff without them having to scream and do cannon balls, consider these leadership truths:

Your team wants your attention.

You may feel like no one on your team cares if you show up and stand in the back of the room to watch them lead a meeting. Or you may feel like team members don’t care about whether or not you speak encouragement to them. But in most cases, that’s not true. In fact, you’re probably underselling what your presence and encouragement can do for them.

Spontaneity is your ally.

I’m not a spontaneous guy. I have to schedule space to be spontaneous. At times, without notice, I show up where my staff are leading, to watch them do their thing. When you do this, there’s a risk they may wonder if you’re there “checking something out”. But a follow-up email like, “It was fun to see you in action tonight. Well done.” will help them get over that.

If you’re naturally spontaneous, let that lead you to places you’ll see your team in action. But if you’re more like me, schedule your spontaneity.

One compliment doesn’t guarantee carte blanche (approval of all things).

I’ve often feared if I compliment an action or work team members have done, they may hear that as a compliment to all their work – and rarely is all of someone’s work “compliment worthy.” Do you struggle with this concept, too?

Despite feeling this tension, what I’ve learned from others leaders and books is to compliment anyway. If you’re concerned about your staff hearing more than you intend, be specific with your compliment. Instead of, “You’re an all-star!” try, “The hospitality team you led this week for VBS did a great job. Thanks for recruiting and training the greeters well.”

Specific compliments not only mitigate the possible tension you feel as a leader or supervisor, but may also be even better received than a general one. A specific encouragement tells them you’re paying attention and noticed the nuance of their work.

Eye contact, use of their name, and handwritten notes are critical.

After my daughter has accomplished the feat of holding her breath for three seconds under water, she raises her goggle-clad face out of the water to see if I’m watching. She wants eye contact. She wants me to look at her and say, “Blake, three seconds, that was awesome!”

Most everyone wants to be cared for – and use of eye contact and a person’s name are important ways to communicate you care. It’s hard to communicate care when your eyes are focused on a screen and you can’t remember their name.

Also – you likely write lots of emails in a given day. One or two of those may be encouragement emails to your team – but they’re typically only one of several emails your team might receive from you that day. However – if a handwritten note shows up on their desk, it feels different. Even if it says the same thing as an email, it communicates a different level of care.

Those you lead shouldn’t have to do cannon balls or hold their breath under water to get your attention. Great leaders seek out ways to be present, watchful, and encouraging to those they lead.

 

(Confession: As I write these truths from my own experience, I also realize how much work I have to do in these areas. I’m committed to becoming better. Will you join me?)

 

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